I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
