So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
