We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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