my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
