he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
