This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
