And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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