I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
