u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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