I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
These tits shall not be calmed
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
