nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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