I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
