So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
