I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
