Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
