she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
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We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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