a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
