I feel like I'm in dance class right now
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize