Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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