he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
