I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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