Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
