my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
