i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
