Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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