I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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