Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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