Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
