you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
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What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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