i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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