Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he fucked my hip out of place.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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