I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
