What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
