My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
