I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
