Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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