i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
