Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Couch. On fire.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
