I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
