I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
