Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
