i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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