As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
