I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
