do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
