they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
