i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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