be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Randomize
