I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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