My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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