I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How external is "for external use only"?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
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