I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize