when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Randomize
