What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I've blown a few things in my day
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Randomize
