My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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