I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
