we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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