Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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