she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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