You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
